***JENNIE***
It’s only five in the morning, and the probability of her being awake at this hour is close to zero percent. But here I am dialing her number. Not because I want to disturb her from snoring, but because I want to hear her voice before I go back to sleep.
She clicked the answer button, but instead of hearing her voice, I heard a thud on the other line. She might have dropped her phone on the floor.
“Shit!”
I heard her muttered. Then a long pause followed it.
“Hello?”
That crack in her voice suddenly made me feel guilty. I’m too mean to wake her up.
“Sorry.”
“Hmm… It’s okay. What time is it?”
“It’s only five. Sorry for always waking you up! I just…”
I paused because I realized how selfish I am for dialing her number.
“You just?”
“I just want to hear your voice before I close my eyes.”
She giggled, together with the sound of sheets rubbing each other.
“Tell me I’m not dreaming.”
Her voice sounds weak, and I’m guessing her eyes are still close while talking under her sheet.
“This is better than dreaming.”
I smiled at the words I’ve said.
“I know because you’re no longer a dream. You’re a reality. You’re my reality.”
Why is she becoming cheesier these days? But even though my brains tell me how cheesy and corny her words are, I still couldn’t help myself but smile at it.
“Arg! I’m unimpressed.”
I said, still smiling at this silly conversation at five in the morning, and I’m sure she’s enjoying this more than I do.
“I’m hanging up now. You better go back to sleep.”
“Okay… See you later, then.”
*****
***LISA***
“Hey! Still have plans of going back?”
Tom said acidly when I answered his call.
And every time I hear him speak like this, he’s already at the edge of kicking someone’s ass.
I’m sitting in the kitchen with only two lights open. I like it dim whenever I eat my breakfast. It gives more drama to this aloneness.
I rested my spoon in my bowl of cereal. Trying to buy some time to calm him down before giving him my answer. But when I’m about to say something, he blurted out another one. Surprisingly, his tone is softer this time.
“Sorry… hibernating again?”
“No… No… I’m not hibernating. Is Rosie still there?”
I’m no longer mad at her since Jennie and I are better than okay now. But I’m still in that phase where I don’t want to see her. Not comfortable yet to stand next to her.
“She wasn’t here yesterday, but she’s coming today. As far as I know. So… she’s the reason you’re not coming?”
“Hmm… most likely. But I might be there tomorrow.”
“Hey! Not because you’re the daughter of the boss doesn’t mean you’ll neglect work! Work is work, you know.”
The way he said it tells me he’s smiling on the other line, which causes me to smile back at him. Yet I still feel sorry for not answering all his messages, and for all the times I did this to him.
I’m not a good best friend. I know that. But he’s always there for me. To understand, and to pick me up every time I fall on the ground.
“So… what’s going on? You haven’t answered any of my messages. Do I need to bring another set of beer to your house later?”
“Nah… No need for that. And sorry for not answering. It’s just… we went for a trek yesterday. I’m with Jennie and her best friend.”
It’s the farthest detail I could give to him right now since my brain is still enjoying the serenity of the morning. Maybe I’ll visit him later to tell him everything, and to answer all his questions.
“Whoa! Does this mean you’re cool now?”
“Are you driving? How many times do I need to tell you to not use your phone while driving?”
“Okay… okay… I’m sorry. Sorry… I only want to know how you’re doing. Catch up later. Please send me a message.”
“I will… I promise. Take care. Okay?”
We hung up without me answering his question if Jennie and I are now cool.
*****
***JENNIE***
Grandma was sitting in the living room when I darted downstairs. She’s watching her favorite TV show again. That drama you see after a variety show in the afternoon.
Sometimes I watch it with her, but oftentimes I fell asleep on the couch and woke up after an hour or two.
She glanced up at me with a question mark on her face.
“I’ll just borrow a book from Lisa. I’ll be here before dinner, grandma.”
“Bring something with you. There are fresh cookies in the kitchen.”
I love how kind-hearted she is to Lisa, and I’m wondering if she’ll approve Lisa for me. Of course… she won’t. What am I thinking?
I nodded and walked to the kitchen. Shaking my head to wash this stupid question in my head. Who would approve of us? Her mom and dad maybe, but for my side? I don’t know if there’s someone who’ll be okay with us being together. Oh yeah, only Jisoo.
“Can I bring a lot?”
I shouted as I transfer each cookie in the container which I pulled into the dish cabinet.
“Of course… get as much as you want, baby! Lisa loves it!”
So I filled the container with more than its capacity. I’m thinking of pairing it with lemonade or whatever juice they have on their fridge.
After filling the container, I locked its lid and exited the kitchen. When I appeared in the living room again, grandma’s eyes went back to me.
“Why don’t you two come here later? I’ll cook something for you two. What do you like? Carbonara? Pesto? Let’s eat together later. Around four, maybe?”
That brightened up my mood, although I’m already having a marvelous day, it makes it better.
“Carbonara!”
I answered her enthusiastically. Like a kid who’s excited to open her Christmas presents. And I’m a hundred percent sure Lisa would love this news, too.
“I’ll go ahead and tell Lisa about this.”
Then I bolted to the door, not waiting for grandma’s next words.
“Be here at four, okay?”
I’m already at the door when grandma shouted.
“Yes, grandma. We will!”
Then I shut the door behind me.
*****
***LISA***
“Hey! Come in!”
I said, body half-hidden in the door. No intention of setting my foot on the porch because I want her to come inside as soon as possible.
“I brought you cookies.”
She said as she walks inside.
I closed the door behind her. Yanked her towards me, still holding the plastic container with both hands under her chin. Her smile is so wide I can no longer see her eyes.
“I don’t know why, but I miss you!”
I said as I cradle her in my arms. Her right hand unclenched the container and rested both of her forearms on my shoulders.
I slid my hands up in the middle of her back and tightened my grip. It caused her to lean closer to me, nose almost touching. I can feel her warm breath against my lips. It smells like cherry. Sweet and hard to resist.
She closed her eyes as if telling me to cut the distance between our lips. I didn’t think twice. I tilted my head and pressed my lips against hers. It’s much luscious this time. Maybe because I’m more aware of what’s happening now than when we kissed in my car for the first time.
I felt her lips moved down to my lower lip. She’s kissing me back, and every single second feels so divine. It’s like silk caressing my skin.
Her right hand pressed the back of my neck before she pulled herself away.
“Do you think we’ll be able to read some books today?”
I’m not sure what’s going on inside her head, but I laughed with it.
“Sorry, I was carried away. What do you want to do first? Go to the kitchen and eat those cookies, or go up to my room and check my archive?”
“Why don’t we put this first in the kitchen then check your books?”
“Let’s do that!”
I winked at her and kissed her forehead.
*****
***JENNIE***
I was in total awe when I entered her room. Everything is so light, which makes it look so neat. The bedsheet, the bedside table, the furniture, all of it are color-coordinated. Unlike mine, that has nothing in common.
Sometimes I think about matching this to that, but I always end up buying the ones that please my eyes instead of considering the effect it will give to my room.
Her bed is on the right side of the door. Leaning in the middle of the wall and facing the curved half glass wall. That part looks so luxurious. And if she’s living in the city, it will provide a magnificent view of the city lights.
All the lights are coming from this curved glass wall. I bet the night sky looks so great when you lie on this bed. The moon will be the bulb, and I imagine how dramatic the effect of it in this huge bedroom. And the bed, it’s so low. I always dreamt of having this kind of bed, but mom said it’s expensive, so we need to stick with the regular one.
I turned to my left. A bookshelf with a glass door covers two-third of the wall. It’s divided into four equal shelves. The one at the bottom and next to it are already full of books, but the third and the one above it still have rooms for a fresh one. I recognized some of them, but most of them are new to my eyes. But it doesn’t look new. Maybe she bought it used already or I don’t know.
“You’re indeed a reader!”
I exclaimed. I couldn’t hide the excitement it gives me just by looking at it.
She walked towards it and slid the glass door.
“Come! Find something you like.”
I complied without thinking twice. I walked towards the open bookshelf and touched the titles of the books that greeted me.
She hunched down and pulled two books on the second shelf.
“These are two of my favorites.”
Then handed me both of them. It’s like a pocketbook, not something huge that will make me read for a week.
“Keeping You a Secret by one of my favorite authors, Julie Anne Peters.”
She said while I’m reading the title of each. I love the sound of her voice when she uttered it. She sounded so proud of telling me these are her favorite ones.
“And this…”
She pointed at the other one. It read Annie On My Mind by Nancy Green.
“It took me a while before I found a copy. I couldn’t find it anywhere else. And when I got one, I promised to preserve it until I’m seventy.”
She laughed. Maybe she finds the idea silly, but I don’t think it is. If you care about something it doesn’t matter if it’s valuable to others or not, for as long as it is to you, it’s a serious thing.
I looked up to her, smiling.
“I’ll read these two. I want to know why you like it so much. I know it’s good, but I want to see it for myself.”
*****
***LISA***
She was sitting at the window seat, legs stretched out, and flipping pages of Annie On My Mind.
I never imagined having someone who’ll let me borrow their time to read my favorite books or watch my favorite movies. And it feels so good that I found that moment with her.
I’m slouching on my bin bag, staring at her rather than on the page of the book lying on my lap.
“I thought we will read books? I didn’t know you’ll use this as an excuse to stare at me.”
She wasn’t looking at me. But rather, on the book she has on her hand.
“I just couldn’t believe you’re here.”
She smiled and then raised her head to look at me.
“How can you finish that book? I thought you’ve been dying to read that novel?”
She was referring to this Sarah Water’s book in my hand, Tipping The Velvet. I’ve already read her other works, Fingersmith, and fell in love with it. Both the book and the movie. This one has its movie, too. The thing is, I didn’t read the book first before watching the movie that’s why it’s a bit difficult now to flip the pages.
I closed the book before I answered her.
“I guess I’ll read this later. I can’t concentrate. Do you want iced tea or pink lemonade? I’ll get us something to nibble.”
Her left brow went up and then sighed, audible enough to let me know how pain in the ass I am.
I chuckled and asked her again.
“So… Pink lemonade or iced tea?”
“Fine! Pink lemonade for me.”
“Pink lemonade coming up!”
I pushed myself up and lay my book on the bin bag. I promise to flip it again when I come back.
She opened the book and continued to read where she left it.
I sauntered to the door, and before I turn the knob, she spoke again. I whirled towards her, and she was already looking at me.
“I forgot to tell you, grandma is expecting us at four. She said she’ll cook Carbonara for us.”
That news brought a smile to my face. It’s been a while since I knocked on her door. And it’s because I’m hesitant to visit her after Jennie and her mom moved here several weeks ago.
*****
***JENNIE***
“Grandma! We’re here.”
I shouted as I open the door while Lisa is sauntering behind me.
“Grandma?”
I called again.
She appeared in the hallway going to the kitchen. Still wearing her mustard apron with a cloverleaf at its left side.
“You’re early. I’m not done yet.”
It’s only three in the afternoon. But Lisa insisted to come here. She misses grandma and her cooked food so much. So, even though it’s not what grandma instructed me, I just said yes to her. Well, we could stay in my room and continue to read the books I borrowed from her.
“What’s that?”
Grandma pointed at the books I’m clasping in my right hand.
My inside self is freaking out. Who wouldn’t? Both of them show two girls leaning close to each other. What if she’ll figure out what it means?
“Books I borrowed from her, grandma.”
I tilted my head to Lisa to signal her to not answer anymore.
My throat is getting dry, and I might stutter if I’ll speak a little longer.
“You need help, grandma?”
Good thing she got my message correctly.
“No need for that, sweetheart. I want to prepare this for both of you.”
My forehead creased while she smiles at the words she uttered to Lisa. What did she mean about that? Is there something to celebrate today? Because it looks like it, and I’m clueless about what’s going on.
“Are we celebrating something, grandma?”
I couldn’t contain the confusion inside me anymore.
“Nah! I’m just happy to see both of you together, and I want you two to spend more time here in the house, rather than outside, okay?”
Her head was shifting from me to Lisa several times until she pinned her eyes on me.
“Why don’t you show Lisa your room, baby, while I prepare everything? I’ll just call you once everything’s ready. Okay?”
I nodded, and she finds her way back to the kitchen.
*****
***LISA***
I’ve been on the second floor before, but that was a long time ago. Sixth grade, as I recall from my memory.
Grandma let me sleep in her house during those times because I was too scared to stay at home. It was the first year that my parents started their business travels, and they rarely stayed at home since then.
Nothing has changed. The floor and the wall still bear the same colors. Even the two-inch deep scratch on the left side of the hallway near the first door is still there.
“Sorry… there’s nothing fancy in my room. Well, it’s not my room though. It was my mom’s. It’s just…”
“I’m not complaining!”
I interjected. I don’t want her to think it matters because it doesn’t. I mean, it’s fine if her room or each of the rooms in this house is not fancy. What matters is, they’re contented with what they have.
“Oh…”
She muttered, a bit embarrassed with what she had said. Then she opened the door, and it greeted us with the same room I used to use when grandma let me sleep in this house.
“Hmm… I don’t have a chair, except on that seat.”
She was referring to the desk with a seat before the window.
“Is it okay if we’ll seat on your bed?”
I closed the door behind me, and we’re both standing at the foot of her bed.
“Of course…”
Her back was facing me, and she didn’t dare to look when she answered.
When she’s about to take a step, I slid my arms on her waist and hugged her from the back. I hold her tight and she didn’t complain. She even placed her hands on my forearms and rubbed them with her palms.
She pressed the side of her face on my jaw, and we stayed there for a minute, without saying a word.
“We haven’t talked about our family yet. Is it okay if I’ll ask you about them?”
She said, breaking the silence.
“I have no problem with that, but first… would you like to continue this while we’re sitting on your bed?”
“Hmm… great idea.”
*****
***JENNIE***
“So… how does your mom found out about you?”
I’m leaning my back at the headboard, legs stretched out while her head is resting on the pillow I placed on my lap. My left forearm below her collar bone, while my right was playing with her hair.
“You mean… how did she know I’m gay?”
“Hmm… yeah?”
“Well, there’s this one day she kept on teasing me about Tom. That’s when we’re in sixth grade, I think.”
She pushed herself up and sat opposite me. I could see her excitement with the story of her past. She grinned and shook her head before she continued with her storytelling.
“It’s because one day, Tom knocked on our door, wearing long sleeves checkered button-down, and denim pants. He combed his hair on the side, and he was wearing cologne. I was surprised when I opened the door because I never saw him that formal.
We were classmates since first grade, and just like other boys, he smelled… well, I don’t know how to describe it, but it was awful. But even though he smelled like that and he was so untidy, since he’s tall and good-looking, almost all the girls in our class have a crush on him. Of course, except me.
Aside from his formal look that day, he had a bouquet of roses in his hand, and the first thing I said to him was, ‘Who are you?’. Well, it’s because he looked so different.
Then I didn’t know mom was already standing at my back. She even asked Tom to come in and she gave him cookies and iced tea. She was more excited than I am. It’s like she’s been waiting for some guy to knock on our door and ask me for a date or something.
After that, mom kept on asking me, ‘Where’s Tom?’, ‘When will he come back?’, ‘I think he’s a wonderful boy.’. Something alike. Then out of impulse, one day I answered her, ‘I don’t like him, mom!’. And she was like, ‘Oh, why not? Do you like someone else?’ I answered her, ‘I don’t like anyone else.’ Then she pressed one more time, ‘Not eyeing for a particular boy in school?’ I don’t know why, but as much as I remember, the next words that came out of my mouth were, ‘I don’t like boys.’
There was a half-minute silence between me and mom. I wanted to run to my room and hid from her, but my feet were so heavy I couldn’t move. Her answer kind of surprised me because what she said was, ‘Well, I don’t mind if you bring a pretty girl in this house. Dad and I are fine with that.’”
She paused and pushed herself up so she could sit on her knees. Then she whirled around to lean her back on the headboard beside me.
“Sorry… it’s kind of long. I just hope you didn’t get bored with it.”
“Of course not! I seriously enjoyed your story with Tom. And… it just proved how cool your mom is.”
“Yeah. She and dad are both cool. They accepted me without question. They even told me it doesn’t matter if people around me accept me or not, for as long I accept me as me. You know.”
I sighed audibly. That’s why she pulled my hand and squeezed it before she placed it on her lap.
“Are you worried? I know… it’s a stupid question. Of course, you are.”
I moved closer to her so I could rest my head on her shoulder.
“I don’t know if I could tell mom about this. About… what’s going on between us. You know.”
She released her hand from mine and wrapped it around my shoulder.
“I won’t ask you for more. I know how hard this is… and you can Keep Me A Secret until you’re ready to face everything.”
Did she just reference the book she lent me?
But is it okay to keep her a secret? I guess not, but I’m not brave enough yet.
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